By Elnathan John
Nigeria is 56. It is a weird, nondescript age to be throwing a big party. But especially since we have crossed the life expectancy of the average Nigerian, we need to be thankful.
I have waited for president Buhari to be show appropriate gratitude and have heard nothing of substance. So I have decided to come in, like I often do on independence day.
I want to thank all of the countries and entities that keep us afloat, without which we would be a shell of a country. The entities on which we are dependent.
Thank you America. For always knowing. For always recieving our president when he runs to beg for your support. Thank you for sometimes stepping in and telling our president what to do even though you have your own madman threatening to take over and fuck Muslims and Mexicans up. Also, thank you for that accent that our radio presenters across the country try so desperately to copy. Really urban radio stations would be dead without you. We love you. You will see your flag flying in most big hotels in the cities. Yes the flag may be dirty, but at least we tried.
Ps. Thank you also for not complaining too much about our president massacring hundreds of Shiites. Think what a human rights disaster that would have been. I am not saying you are secretly excited that Iran’s foothold in Nigeria is destroyed but, you know just when to look away boo. Can’t love you enough. Hugs.
Thank you UK. For keeping some of our key projects afloat. For DFID without which most of our hospitals would crash. For the projects which provide decent employment for our consultants and PhD’s and other development hustlers. For the schools which make sure the children of our elite take over from where their parents stopped ruining us. Thank you for staying even if your own relationship back at home has broken down and you are about to move out of your ex’s home. Breakups are hard. I hope that nothing cracks as you move your things out of the EU. Hugs.
Thank you Holland. For easing the nerves of Nigerians with our most popular brand of beer. Many Nigerians may not realize Star Lager is a Dutch product, but I do. Thank you for helping us effectively wash away our sorrows. And for not always bragging that our national product is actually yours.
Thank you South Africa. For all the companies that make our lives bearable. For DSTV, without which we would be stuck with government propaganda and adverts. For Shoprite. For MTN which teaches us values like patience and knowing how to have a backup plan. Thanks big brother. And, PS. We know that sometimes you treat us like shit, but sometimes a big brother disciplines the children of his younger brother. It keeps the relationship in check. The truth is, we need you.
Thank you Switzerland. For safely storing all the money stolen from our country which has all come in handy in this recession. Your honesty is commendable. You even returned some of it. You just need to give the rest back. But we know you will at your own time. Some think your people are boring. They just don’t understand you like I do. Hugs. Oh, also sorry about Sepp Blatter.
Thank you Dubai. For keeping the wives and mistresses of our corrupt civil servants and leaders busy with interesting, expensive hobbies. For providing a safe haven when our corrupt politicians are too scared to go into America or Britain. You preserve our love.
Thank you Germany. For Julius Berger. Without whom in the event of an emergency, we would be in serious trouble. Thank you for all our major roads and bridges.
Thank you Ghana, Cyprus, Ukraine, Malaysia… for providing our pretend middle class an opportunity to give their children a decent education. Abroad is abroad.
Thank you Benin Republic. For all the cooks who keep the expatriates in Nigeria nourished while they provide us technical expertise and foreign aid.
Thank you United Nations. For feeding our starving citizens especially the children and not wondering why in a country with such rich fat bastards, millions of people, especially children are starving. Be patient with us. We need you boo.
Thank you China. For the shinier, cheaper versions of all the things most of our people cannot afford. For the second hand trains. I know we are paying for it somehow, but still, thank you. I know America sometimes whispers into our ear not to get in bed with you too often, but at least you are an honest lover. You don’t lie to us like AMerica and UK does about wanting to marry us or be our boo; you don’t tell us you love us when you want to sleep with us. We know it is just for the sex. We don’t expect love or anything. And for this we are grateful.
Ps. It would be nice if your people mixed with our people sometimes. We will learn your language if you want.
Thank you English football and the UEFA Champions League. For providing a distraction for young Nigerians who would otherwise have had the time to worry about a fast failing country. For the trends on Twitter on the weekends. You don’t know it yet, but English football and the Champions League have contributed to our stability as a nation, so that instead of quarrel about development, we can spend time fighting over Arsenal and Manchester United or whether Ronaldo is better than Messi. And for this we say, God bless you.
Thank you foreign journalists. For asking the questions our journalists are too underpaid to ask. For being there when our president needs to speak abroad. For telling us the things we would never have found out. May God bless your hustle and lead you to more of our leaders and secrets.
Thank you Germany, England and India. For preserving the quality of life of our politicians and making sure they are healthy and able to rule us well. England especially, for treating our daddy’s ears so that he can hear us better. For also treating their families and providing a decent place for our wealthy to die. God will bless your hustle.
May the good lord continue keeping these lovely people for us so that we can grow to even greater heights. Can I get an amen?
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